How to Talk About Sex
Try and Cover the Following:
- · What pace to go at
- · Sexual health of both partners (History of STDs, HIV, etc)
- · What you feel is required/needed to be engaged in SA
- · If and how you masturbate
- · How you feel about your body image
- · What feels good/doesn’t
- · Safe BC methods
- · Sexual ethics/beliefs
- · Relationship status
Why is it difficult?
-Media doesn’t portray sexual discussion at all. It just happens.
-Shown either pregnancy OR passionate sex scene. Nothing in between.
-Upbringing: closed-minded environments, even passionate environments that don’t promote rational discussion
-Habit into adulthood may be hard to break
-Current non-sex discussions aren’t good: Are you friends? How comfortable are you able to talk about relationships/family/other things?...Daily, open communication is key for all topics, not just sex, for a sexual relationship
What to do:
-Before you have any sex period, lay it down: We should have a goal to always talk about sex openly, honestly, even if it is hard at first, so that we can ensure good sexual and emotional health for us both
-Accept that things might be awkward to talk about, with or without clothes on
-Accept that you might have to talk about sex before having sex
-Talk with clothes on in a private but not tempting place
-If you ever feel uncomfortable with someone doing something tell them then to stop at that very moment
Keys for Good Communication
-Avoid accusation, start statements with “I”
-Just say it is outright awkward
-Be sensitive with words, accept that there might be certain times to do things and not others
-Use careful language-don’t use slang if they don’t know, what language works best for both people?...also, do people like talking during sex? Find a middle ground
-Recognize the ongoing progress: talk a little bit each day (don’t overwhelm), mull things over
-Have confidence in the conversation or else it will go bad if you think it will go bad
-Talk about positives, what the partner is good at
-Don’t forget to laugh!
-When it comes to protection, say NO if they are disagreeing about importance of it
-Be specific : NOT what do yout hink of our sex life, but how do you like your clitoris to be touched , etc.
-Ask them based on where they came from “Have you ever tried…”
-keep things positive, don’t say “I’m bored”
-Code words for when to stop
-How you react to people’s sharing/fantasies is different
Why do some people feel resistant to talking about sex?
-It kills the buzzàwe need to talk at some point though
-We are avoiding being close/vulnerableàBut sex is both of these things! We shouldn’t be having sex if we can’t communicate
-We want to be involved with fantasy and not reality
-Talking implies being ready, and maybe they don’t exactly feel ready
-Don’t let yourself get into a pattern of no communication, feeling unsafe/uneasy
-Start earlier rather than later
-This is all about partnered sex...communication is different for people who prefer casual sex
Resources:
